Sunrise, sunset and everything in between, how we divide up our day says much about us, so there is little doubt in my mind that I was destined to be a writer; that my dreams would transpire into eloquent ideas and that hours of dreamily gazing out of windows, should be followed by quick-fingered keyboard clacking, or that my constant stopping to smell the flowers and talking to strangers could be considered research; oh what a life I am to lead keeping divine office hours!
The absence of my menstrual cycle disrupted much of my younger cyclical biorhythms and I was left to develop a pattern of my own. The post from August 2017 ends there, left in draft, until now.
28.05.23 05:29 It is Sunday, the last Sunday in May … what was I going to say? because now it is the 26th March 2024 08:51, on Holy Tuesday, or right smack-bang in the middle of Ramadan for the people around me, as I sit looking out towards the Mediterranean Sea, sipping coffee from my hotel balcony in North East Africa.
I’ve thought about this blogpost often, never knowing quite how to express my thoughts which have changed over the last seven years. Arriving here, as I whooshed past several dry, sandy towns, I knew instantly that this was the perfect time to finish.
Before Ash Wednesday I argued with Michelangelo about attending a Catholic Church that sung mass and filled the gilded room with clouds of frankincense. He hated it, rolling his eyes and feeling awkward. I loved it, feeling the drama and mystery brought me somehow closer to God. I want to get married in a church, I always have; it’s my one big wedding thing, but recently, I began to wonder if I’m driven to profess my faith and commitment to God or if I’m doing it for some other unknown reason?
I haven’t been Catholic for many years but despite this, I still behave as Catholic as possible; I obey the commandments, I fast on holy days and I pray everyday. Before the first day of Lent I scrub my house, and get rid of sugar, flour and alcohol. During Lent I do not eat cake, I raise money or give some away and I write as much as I can. I always enter into a new routine of prayer and this year, just as the seven years before I think about the year ahead.
The world over recognises the Muslim with his prayer mat, facing east upon his knees and possibly the Hasidic Jew, but whilst living in Ireland, just before 18:00, I heard the Angelus bells rung each day on television. This is the call to evening prayer and although most may not realise it, all the Abrahamic religions have special times throughout the day to pray. I’ve written before about October and reciting the mysteries of the rosary, and each lent I also dedicate time to sitting in quiet contemplation and prayer. This year, after the argument about different ways to worship, I realised that my faith in the Catholic Church was hanging by the last thread.
The veneration of Mary is an easy starting point. Michelangelo calls out the BS and instead of fighting , I give up.
It is totally plausible that the reason I could not finish this post seven years ago is because at that time I stumbled upon some researchers on YouTube who caught my interest. They all had books and documents and art works depicting things that were rarely spoken about. Over the years I learnt alternative theories and this year, after wondering what to do with my devoted time during Lent, I decided to spend my time researching the history of the church.
Some of this stuff blows my mind, some of it is purely amusing as I don’t know if it’s true and I don’t care to investigate further, but one thing I can say for sure is that I cannot waste any more time in divine office, repeating words to Saturn, Diana or any other idol worship. My conversations with the One creator, the one true and only God is all I need; conversation which I can tap into anywhere, anytime and do not need to show others that I am compliant, devout, or holier than thou.
It is painful for me to say these things and I’m still drafting my why I gave up Catholicism for Lent post, with so many ideas floating around my mind. What I will say is that prayer is powerful, and that prayer is a beautiful thing to take part in and I am in no way disrespecting those with faith or those who continue to practice. Personally, after years of research, I have decided to continue to behave in a way that is loving and forgiving, but step away from the restrictions of religion and church.
I have a long way to go on my journey. I wish everyone a beautiful and loving bank holiday weekend with your families and look forward to reporting on what I have learnt over the last forty days and nights. May the glory of God be with you always.
Fem Feelings 