FemFeels … on Love, Eight Years and Big Interview Prep.

I finished work yesterday unable to move my neck. I had been sat at my desk for nine hours leaving only three times to pee and fill my water cup. It’s been like this all week, actually worse. I rise at 05:20, pick up the laptop and begin typing. That’s over twelve hours a day sat in the same place! I am not usually like this but with less than a week to go until the big interview it’s time to get serious. My neck tells me to take it easy by locking up and holding my back prisoner; I retreat to my bed after dinner.

It’s 1am and you know me, my body has had its quota. I slept for five hours if lucky. Oh, don’t worry, I am used to it now and instead use the time to reflect and blog.

WordPress informs me it is my eighth birthday – wahoo! although, it is actually my eleventh blogging year, FemFeelings having begun as a ‘girl about London’ blog but it was too happy and as I spiralled into female health issues I knew it had to go. I then tried my hand at Travel writing when I set off to Ibiza, my white isle, my spiritual home, but, I was too caught up in my healing. I blogged here and there before returning to capture some of the saddest times of my life. What a difference eight years make.

My life today is utterly transformed. I finally rise triumphant from the ashes of misery. I love my life – wow! that’s amazing to say, but yes, I love my life. I love my company, I love my friends, I love my family and I love Michelangelo and his two boys. I love the journey that has led me here, I love my attitude and maturity, and most of all, not least of all, I love my Creator, the one who makes all things possible and showers me in unconditional love. That’s a lot of love.

This new love I have for myself fills me with confidence which was knocked recently. A passive aggressive woman with personal development issues held a mirror up to me and showed me the WORST traits I once had (and several I still do) it forced me to make a life changing decision. As she micro-managed me, putting me down each day, belittling my efforts, I realised that if I did not do something to really push myself that I would end up just like her – bitter, resentful and pretending to champion others whilst secretly wishing for the courage to lead. I have no proof she thinks any of these things but in her I saw my negative traits.

I have a bad habit of speaking over people, it’s terrible and something I consciously try not to do. I am only half listening, usually waiting for a moment to agree or not. I annoyingly over -enthuse and can often be heard saying ‘OMG, I love it, I love it’ and worse, my extrovert/introvert thing can lead me to over hype and under deliver. In my manager I see these things and although it hurts, although she is treating me poorly, she does me the BIGGEST favour, as without her putting me down and her constantly questioning my coaching style I would not have began searching for a new role and even better, would not have applied, showing myself just how competent I am.

I say this easily now having gone through two months of infection (yes I am still weeping and hmm is it stress related – it would seem so?) six weeks of employee counselling and two weeks of intense character building, difficult situation and robust conversation forming weeks. Three days ago I tell my manager that I am leaving and not only that but I have a BIG INTERVIEW!

I am so proud of myself. This blog tells the tales. The slowly but surely putting one foot in front of the other and facing the biggest set backs; Depression, hardship. Becoming homeless no less than three times and loneliness. Years of sadness before realising that I am loved. Loved by 90210 (RIP), by Sarah, Preeti, Cherry & Nibzie, the rest of my family, and by God who gives you what you need when you need it and gave me the greatest love of all, Michelangelo.

02:20 – another sign! I feel so happy and peaceful.

I think again about my Big Interview, of the work I do and the people I help. I think about old blog posts where I want to make others happy or support, be part of a dynamic team or showcase my vast range of skills. The time is now. If I prepare well I could truly be successful. I totally believe I can do this.

This role is a combination of all my past roles, it is as if my entire existence has been leading up to this interview. Have I been following the Blueprint of my life all these years without knowing? gathering the experiences I need to do the job and be the best candidate? I marvel. For eight years I have been putting my desires away in a folder on this blog called Life Purpose. I have prayed for my life to be fully utilised. I placed my trust in a better future; I am now in that future.

In less than a week it will be over and I will have changed forever. What does the future hold, I do not know, but I am ready for it.

I thank you so much for listening to my story and staying with me. Here’s a favourite from the folder Fight for Your Life. With Love, Always

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