Beyond the Nightmare Lies Hope

I refused to take my meds last week and tonight I recommence my evening ritual. I had five evenings without the dreaded side effect of nightmares/terrors experiencing a mixed outcome with some nights of light sleep, REM sleep, broken sleep and then last night hours of lying awake.

I am no longer afraid of the night terrors. I accept that my mind is in process and understanding what has happened and why will take time. I believe that the flashbacks, resurfaced painful memories and feelings of guilt and shame all remind me of where I have been and where I shall not go again. I am not afraid of this process and tonight I will be calm.

I look back over the last five years especially at the jarring trials and errors with prescribed medications so despite the unwelcome nocturnal side effects the Amitriptyline has helped me to find a sense of peace, albeit NOT during the night! For the first time in a 28 months I can begin to imagine a life without pain as the combination of progesterone and the SSRI’s finally are working together. After eight months of progesterone I can actually feel a lessening of activity at each cycle and my left ovary displays almost no sensation at all. My undiagnosed Endo has been halted. I still have severe pains but they now are localised and quick, no longer spilling out over the month. Hot Flushes are a thing of the past, night sweats well, lets not talk about such a sad and terrifying thing. I no longer experience the ‘drop off’ a feeling where my hormones plummeted before ovulation and my mood went down with them – I feel somewhat balanced, I begin to feel a sense of hope. It is possible the medication combo has nothing to do with my health improvements as maybe it is my pre-menopause levelling out or maybe it is the meditation – I can not say. I do know that my hormones are almost happy.

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