The dream that breaks my heart

It’s 03:03, it really is. I’ve been up since 02:21 and I felt this heaviness as it turned 02:22. ‘All the two.’s’ I said to myself and walked down the stairs. Lana Del Rey started singing and I remembered. ‘Happy Birthday Darling’ I whispered out to Uranus shining brightly at me from the small window.

It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you, everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you want to do. I heard you like the bad girls honey; is this true?

I’m wide awake so I try and remember my dream. Nothing much happened it was just me and you, chilling, doing what we do (playing video games?) A tear makes it way slowly down my face and I have a real pain inside. This is not how I thought things would be. I’m sorry.

It’s better than I ever knew. They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if someone is loving you.

The tears keep coming so I assume I’ve forgotten some sad part of my dream but I know the real reason is because I’m not allowed to dream so I let myself dream and this is what happens…

It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you

I went to bed in one of your old t-shirts because I’d hidden this scandalously sexy thing in my bedside locker which I’ll change into. I wake up at 02:21 and pretend to pee but really I’m moving the hidden plumes of pastel coloured helium balloons into our bedroom so you know that today is all about you from the moment you open your eyes. I bought fifty balloons as hundred was just ridiculous, plus, I couldn’t hide them. They make loud swishing snd bopping noises against the early starry morning silence but I don’t care if you wake up and catch me, I’m your birthday fairy making your wishes come true.

I’m making so much noise and this is only ten of the balloons, the rest are scattered around the bungalow so everywhere you look you’ll be reminded. I wiggle into the lace thing – how will I sleep? but, it’s not about me, it’s all about you. I smile to myself as I watch you breathe. I press myself into your back and listen to your heart softly beating – I’m so excited!

Heaven is a place on Earth with you

I feel the smile on your face before I open my eyes and you gasp as you pull me towards you. ‘What’s all this then?’ You’re the first thing I see when I open my eyes and for a moment it’s my birthday because I’m happy that you’re happy. ‘This old thing?’

Tell me all the things you want to do

‘I hope you’re not referring to me?’ I kiss you wearing the lace thing. And then I get on top of you because that’s what hot couples do, they have the hot birthday sex before the birthday breakfast. I’ll poach eggs to go on top of bagels with smoked salmon whilst everyone calls. ‘Be nice to your mother’ I’ll shout from the kitchen ‘it’s as much her day as it is yours!’ You roll your eyes but it’s my parents who call you next because everyone loves you, absolutely everyone.

And you’ll walk in and see the rest of the balloons, presents everywhere, the table laid out like it’s Christmas – and this is only the start. There is an overnight stay somewhere special, a fancy dinner in a restaurant I’ve waited over a year to get us into. Sights, bright lights and padlock for that bridge.

They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if someone is loving you.

Baby now you do

And I could go on and describe every detail of what would happen but I’ve stopped crying now and it’s after 4am. This is my birthday wish not yours; waking up next to you. I try not to wonder what we would do or if we’d go to bed saying I love you. To dream would be to break my own heart.

Lana Del Rey – Video Games